My hands hang down and I am ashamed.
They hang down because I can't seem to do everything perfectly and I get discouraged.
They hang down because I set goals for myself that I don't attain and I get discouraged.
They hang down because I am bombarded with messages all the time that I'm not good and I get discouraged.
I hear
You're too fat. You're late. You're messy. You're disorganized. You slept too late. Your dinner isn't healthy. You went to bed too late. Your sheets are dirty. Your laundry isn't put away. Your hair is ugly and needs to be cut. Your house is ugly and has too many cut-out hearts. You have shoes by the front door and someone is tracking in leaves. It smells weird in here. The baseboards are dirty. Someone wrote in crayon on the door...wall...bed. Your dog is bad. Your kids are loud. And disobedient. And unappreciative. Your Family Home Evening is not focusing on the talks from General Conference. Your scripture study was not meaningful. You are not trying hard enough. You need to be a better example. You need to invite a friend. You need to watch what you say. I want to watch a show. Put on a show for me! I want to eat McDonalds. Get McDonald's for me! Get me a treat! I forgot my money, parka, shoes, books, project, food, card...stop what you are doing and bring it to me right now. That area we just cleaned is messy again because you didn't keep it from getting messy. There is no room in here. The baby is crying. Feed the baby! Family Home Evening didn't happen this week. I'm not going to have it ready for you. You can't have the one you want. Your mom is dead. There's too many car seats in this car. I don't know where it is. I can't find it. Your account is overdrawn. He hit me, kicked me, yelled at me. I'm not going to do that. Your lawn needs to be mowed. Your garden was a miserable failure. You're not attractive. Stop texting! Your son can't read. Your daughter has a messy face. And her nails aren't trimmed. And her shoes are one size too big. Where's your coat? You are a bad driver. If you forget the take the pill, you WILL get pregnant again. Your books are overdue. That cupcake has a lot of unnecessary calories. I drank your last coke. You have HOW MANY children? You're done now, right? We always, always, always use a hot pad.
Every word I hear is like a brick being thrown on my shoulders. I picture my hands flopping on the ground. Hanging as low as they can go.
BUT...
I don't want any help.
I don't even want anyone to lift them up.
Isn't that weird? Because if someone helps and lifts them up that makes me feel worse. Then I feel even more worthless. It confirms my inability to take care of myself and my family. Yet I probably need someone to lift them.
Satan has really figured out how to get me. Just plant a seed of doubt about my abilities in my brain and I'm cooked. I focus on that doubt for days, weeks, months. I get down and discouraged. I flounder around doing not much of anything worth anything. I can't figure out why I can't hear the good stuff. I must be doing some good stuff. Why are the negative messages so much louder than the positive?
I don't need my hands lifted up. I need a kick in the butt.
My visiting teachers visited and
Imagine telling me to cut back! What the heck can I cut back??? In order to cut back, I'd have to get rid of a child.
But then as I've been thinking about it...I don't really need to cut back. I need to do more. I need to do more of the big rocks. The essentials of life that will get me back to Heavenly Father and help me lift up my hands.
I need more temple worship.
I need more meaningful prayer.
I need more feasting on the word and less nibbling.
I need to put these big rocks in every day. Then maybe as the stresses of life hit, I'll be better prepared to handle them.
I heard a really great talk last night about this very thing. Heavenly Father seems to be telling me that life is a process. A continual process that probably isn't going to end for a really long time and so suck it up and do a little better each day and it's going to be ok.
So what should I do now?
I'm going I've decided to make a list of everything I need to do and figure out each thing's priority in my life.
That's my first step. I'm going to take this one step at a time. I'll keep you posted on my progress.
