I have been feeling blue the past few days, but it has nothing do with with the factors Dr. Arnall says should be affecting my mood. I love crappy weather. In fact, rainy days are my most favorite and I can tolerate them for weeks on end. "Come on! You call this a storm? Blow, you *bleep bleep*, blow! It's time for a showdown! You and me! I'm right here! Come and get me! Ha ha! Ha ha! You'll never sink... this... boat! Ha ha ha ha!" I don't have any bills from Christmas because I didn't have any money to spend anyway. And my New Year's goals are proceeding. I haven't failed any of them yet.
So why am I feeling blue? I feel blue because I gave the worst lesson in Relief Society on Sunday in the history of Relief Society lessons. I prepared. I really did. The lesson was #2 from the "Teachings of the Presidents of the Church: Joseph Smith" manual, entitled "God the Eternal Father." I divided the information into several sections: God is our father, the character of God, the Godhead and teaching our children to love God. I read and studied the lesson material, I read complementary articles written by credible GAs and I researched the origin of the idea of the trinity held as truth by most Christian religions. I started out by letting everyone know how hard I struggled with the material. After I said that I felt really stupid and even worried that maybe they thought I didn't have a testimony of Joseph Smith, which I certainly do. As I was teaching, I felt like I was fumbling along. Even though I had written out my information, the words weren't flowing like I wanted them to. Then when I started teaching about the Godhead vs. the trinity and I was asked questions about scriptures from the Book of Mormon that state that Jesus is the Father and how can this be, I felt like I was drowning. I didn't know what to say and I wished that the floor would open up underneath my feet and swallow me whole. I botched my way through to the end of the lesson and didn't even bear my testimony in a heartfelt way. I wasn't prepared for anyone to not understand my answer of: "They are one in purpose."
After I closed the lesson, I wanted to run from the room and make a beeline right for the car but I waited until after the closing prayer to round up my family and head out. It was the first time I've ever left church feeling like I couldn't get away fast enough. I failed that day in my capacity as RS teacher. There was no denying it.
It's been 2 days since I gave the lesson and I still can't shake this feeling of failure. I can see myself up in front of the classroom stumbling for words and looking like an idiot. I'm looking out seeing sisters such as the Bishop's wife, a Bishop's counselor's wife, the Stake President's wife, the former Stake President's wife, the Stake RS President and Secretary(who is also a Stake President's counselor's wife), the Ward RS Presidency, a former Stake President's counselor's wife and many other faces of knowledgeable sisters from our ward. I looked like an unprepared dummy in front of all of them. Not only that, but I looked that way trying to convey the Lord's message for them. I really let Him down.
Sunday night, I read several scriptures from Mosiah 15, trying to find an answer to the sister's question during class. Why didn't I open my scriptures right there on the spot on Sunday? I would have been able to answer her question. Mosiah 15:2-5 was what she was questioning.
2 And because he dwelleth in flesh he shall be called the Son of God, and having subjected the flesh to the will of the Father, being the Father and the Son—
3 The Father, because he was conceived by the power of God; and the Son, because of the flesh; thus becoming the Father and Son—
4 And they are one God, yea, the very Eternal Father of heaven and of earth.
5 And thus the flesh becoming subject to the Spirit, or the Son to the Father, being one God, suffereth temptation, and yieldeth not to the temptation, but suffereth himself to be mocked, and scourged, and cast out, and disowned by his people
I agree that these scriptures can be confusing. However, RIGHT ON THE BOTTOM OF MY PAGE, I had written some notes to clarify the confusion. I wrote that God transmitted to His Son many of His own godly powers and qualities. I also found a quote that I tucked in there by Joseph Fielding Smith that says:
“If we speak of Jesus Christ as being our Father, we are not making any mistake because, spiritually, he begot us. No question about it—he united spirit and body, providing a resurrection for every living thing. We do not make any mistake in speaking of the Savior as our God, as our Father, and also as the Son of God because he received all authority. Jesus declared the Father conferred all authority upon him, and so he becomes to us a Father. Moreover, he begot us spiritually in the resurrection. . . .
“. . . We are his sons and daughters. He is a Father to us because he begot us and saved us from death, uniting spirit and body. What is a father but one who gives life?”So I could have read this quote and probably totally answered her question and saved myself from looking like the biggest moron in the Plymouth Ward. Next month, I teach a lesson entitled, "The Book of Mormon: Keystone of our Religion." The information again looks formidable and I am feeling totally unqualified. I know the answer to this problem. Pray for guidance and help. I know it will come. I knowHeavenly Father doesn't want me to fail. However, for the first time in my life, I am holding a calling in which I don't feel equal to the task. What happened to the Relief Society manuals that my mom got to teach out of with lessons like: "Disease Prevention" and "Chastity and Modesty." I'm sure those were easier to teach than the ones I supposed to present. Not only that, but the other teacher is SUPERB. I just feel like a clown compared to her. I wish I could just run away and not have to teach again, but I know that is impossible. So, I will prepare harder this month and spend more time in prayer trying to find what the Lord desires I share with my sisters. Either that or I am installing a trap door in the RS room and pushing the button when I need a quick way out.
