Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Open, Open Your eyes!

This Saturday was my Platte Family Christmas Party. I have posted about this party in past years...about the great food I get to eat and the wonderful family I get to see. This year my aunts made a scrapbook for Anna and me of many pictures that they had of my mom. It is really adorable. There are pictures in there of her that I had never seen from her childhood and young adult years. I loved looking at it. They also made a video of the pictures set to music that they are singing. My aunts are wonderful singers. I love the sound of their voices so much.

This year it seemed that my mom was everywhere at the party. She was holding babies. She was clapping and singing. She was in my Aunt Tina's smile. She was cooking and washing dishes. She hugged me with Aunt Pat's arms. She was laughing at the "Santa" gifts. She was eating glorified rice and vegetable pizza. She looked at me through Anna's eyes.

In August she will have been dead for 20 years. That seems like a really long time yet the pain I feel at missing her is still so new. I am never going to get over this. I am always going to be an emotional wreck.

Lately, I have been so angry at this loss. I have read and read and read and been reminded by friends and therapists that there are five stages of grief. Sometimes I feel like I am in all of them at the same time. I am so angry at God for taking her away and I am angry at everyone who has a mother and I am angry at everyone who is her age and is not my mother and I am angry at her for leaving. Pretty much I am angry at everyone. Except maybe Anna and the kids.

Someone commented to me today that I haven't been posting regularly lately. I think it's because my feelings have been so complicated and self-pitying and stupid of late. I can't seem to get it together to post something uplifting and inspiring. But I have been feeling like something is missing when I don't post often. So maybe this blog is going to follow me through this season I am in. I just hope it is a short one.


Stacie said...

What a sweet video. You've got me in tears. It's easy for me to go through life day to day and forget that people close to me have suffered such incredible losses. I am so sorry that your mom is no longer here. I will appreciate my mom more, and be more sympathetic to those around me. Thank you for sharing this because it serves as a great reminder to me.

I'm sorry you're going through a difficult time. I was recently talking with my mom about the stages of grief, and she suggested (as a therapist) that we don't go through a stage and then surpass it, but that it is common to go through multiple stages at once and over again.

Your mom's death and all that she went through previous to it came at a pivotal time in your life, which makes it that much more difficult to accept. It has forever shaped and changed you. Which is, sometimes sadly, the point of our trials...there are lessons meant for us to learn, often in a very difficult way.

I'm sure your mom is glad that you will always remember her. Your mom is beautiful, as are you. Hang in there.

GramMO said...

I love you Jennifer. You have had, and continue to have a pivotal role in the happiness I enjoy in life. I love you.
I'll take that anger, just let me have it, so you can live with out it. I'm glad your aunts can give you moments of peace and joy through their wonderful talents.
You deserve great joy.
Your mom, as you said, can be in your life through many others. What a incredible insight that is. You on the other hand can give her life, life, through yours. You are incredible, Gloria is incredible.
I love all the Platte/Ballard women. I am thankful for their lives past, present , future. LOVE and let it in. You are a tribute to your mom's life.

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