This Saturday was my Platte Family Christmas Party. I have posted about this party in past years...about the great food I get to eat and the wonderful family I get to see. This year my aunts made a scrapbook for Anna and me of many pictures that they had of my mom. It is really adorable. There are pictures in there of her that I had never seen from her childhood and young adult years. I loved looking at it. They also made a video of the pictures set to music that they are singing. My aunts are wonderful singers. I love the sound of their voices so much.
This year it seemed that my mom was everywhere at the party. She was holding babies. She was clapping and singing. She was in my Aunt Tina's smile. She was cooking and washing dishes. She hugged me with Aunt Pat's arms. She was laughing at the "Santa" gifts. She was eating glorified rice and vegetable pizza. She looked at me through Anna's eyes.
In August she will have been dead for 20 years. That seems like a really long time yet the pain I feel at missing her is still so new. I am never going to get over this. I am always going to be an emotional wreck.
Lately, I have been so angry at this loss. I have read and read and read and been reminded by friends and therapists that there are five stages of grief. Sometimes I feel like I am in all of them at the same time. I am so angry at God for taking her away and I am angry at everyone who has a mother and I am angry at everyone who is her age and is not my mother and I am angry at her for leaving. Pretty much I am angry at everyone. Except maybe Anna and the kids.
Someone commented to me today that I haven't been posting regularly lately. I think it's because my feelings have been so complicated and self-pitying and stupid of late. I can't seem to get it together to post something uplifting and inspiring. But I have been feeling like something is missing when I don't post often. So maybe this blog is going to follow me through this season I am in. I just hope it is a short one.
Some days I wave.
5 hours ago