Monday, November 8, 2010

Yes, you can. Rub some unicorn oil into it. Whoever hopes to marry the Prince must be perfect.

"Wherefore, be faithful; stand in the office which I have appointed unto you; succor the weak, lift up the hands which hang down, and strengthen the feeble knees."

My hands hang down and I am ashamed.

They hang down because I can't seem to do everything perfectly and I get discouraged.

They hang down because I set goals for myself that I don't attain and I get discouraged.

They hang down because I am bombarded with messages all the time that I'm not good and I get discouraged.

I hear

You're too fat. You're late. You're messy. You're disorganized. You slept too late. Your dinner isn't healthy. You went to bed too late. Your sheets are dirty. Your laundry isn't put away. Your hair is ugly and needs to be cut. Your house is ugly and has too many cut-out hearts. You have shoes by the front door and someone is tracking in leaves. It smells weird in here. The baseboards are dirty. Someone wrote in crayon on the door...wall...bed. Your dog is bad. Your kids are loud. And disobedient. And unappreciative. Your Family Home Evening is not focusing on the talks from General Conference. Your scripture study was not meaningful. You are not trying hard enough. You need to be a better example. You need to invite a friend. You need to watch what you say. I want to watch a show. Put on a show for me! I want to eat McDonalds. Get McDonald's for me! Get me a treat! I forgot my money, parka, shoes, books, project, food, card...stop what you are doing and bring it to me right now. That area we just cleaned is messy again because you didn't keep it from getting messy. There is no room in here. The baby is crying. Feed the baby! Family Home Evening didn't happen this week. I'm not going to have it ready for you. You can't have the one you want. Your mom is dead. There's too many car seats in this car. I don't know where it is. I can't find it. Your account is overdrawn. He hit me, kicked me, yelled at me. I'm not going to do that. Your lawn needs to be mowed. Your garden was a miserable failure. You're not attractive. Stop texting! Your son can't read. Your daughter has a messy face. And her nails aren't trimmed. And her shoes are one size too big. Where's your coat? You are a bad driver. If you forget the take the pill, you WILL get pregnant again. Your books are overdue. That cupcake has a lot of unnecessary calories. I drank your last coke. You have HOW MANY children? You're done now, right? We always, always, always use a hot pad.

Every word I hear is like a brick being thrown on my shoulders. I picture my hands flopping on the ground. Hanging as low as they can go.


I don't want any help.

I don't even want anyone to lift them up.

Isn't that weird? Because if someone helps and lifts them up that makes me feel worse. Then I feel even more worthless. It confirms my inability to take care of myself and my family. Yet I probably need someone to lift them.

Satan has really figured out how to get me. Just plant a seed of doubt about my abilities in my brain and I'm cooked. I focus on that doubt for days, weeks, months. I get down and discouraged. I flounder around doing not much of anything worth anything. I can't figure out why I can't hear the good stuff. I must be doing some good stuff. Why are the negative messages so much louder than the positive?

I don't need my hands lifted up. I need a kick in the butt.

My visiting teachers visited and kicked me in the butt reminded me to refocus my priorities. I have been thinking about this a lot lately. Elder Uchtdorf's talk from General Conference has been knocking around in my brain for two weeks. At first I got mad at his talk.

Imagine telling me to cut back! What the heck can I cut back??? In order to cut back, I'd have to get rid of a child.

But then as I've been thinking about it...I don't really need to cut back. I need to do more. I need to do more of the big rocks. The essentials of life that will get me back to Heavenly Father and help me lift up my hands.

I need more temple worship.

I need more meaningful prayer.

I need more feasting on the word and less nibbling.

I need to put these big rocks in every day. Then maybe as the stresses of life hit, I'll be better prepared to handle them.

I heard a really great talk last night about this very thing. Heavenly Father seems to be telling me that life is a process. A continual process that probably isn't going to end for a really long time and so suck it up and do a little better each day and it's going to be ok.

So what should I do now?

I'm going I've decided to make a list of everything I need to do and figure out each thing's priority in my life.

That's my first step. I'm going to take this one step at a time. I'll keep you posted on my progress.


Stacie said...

It is unfortunate that the negative messages are so loud. They are the ones we play over and over and over again in our heads. I too enjoyed last night's message. There is no this life. Just doing our best. Doing more. And then more. And then more. I think you're right about the big rocks. Sometimes it is hard to do, but it gives us perspective. And boy do we need it--on a regular basis. Hang in there; the fact that you are getting up each day and doing it is awesome. Feed yourself those positive messages again and again. Love you lots!

Nicole said...

Hang in there! I've been feeling a lot of that burden recently as well. Trying to get back to the spiritual basics, while simple, are still difficult. Good luck.

Anonymous said...

I love you Jen. Hanging down hands are in just the right place to lift a child. Heavenly Father loves all His children. You are right, that satan character is a poop. he is evil through and through and we win every time we don't listen to him. his voice is loud and obnoxious. Heavenly fathers voice is still and quiet and still even amongst the seeming chaos. These ARE the days you will look back in fondness...TRULY! Doers never feel done that's one of the many positive reasons Heavenly Father wants you raising His children! MO:)

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