I can't believe it! You were *huge*! Like blubber! I couldn't even get my arms around you...

Lizzie loves to take pictures with my phone.  Usually she asks to borrow it and then she goes around the house taking random shots of herself, her siblings and me.  Occasionally, I'll go through the photos to see if there are any worth keeping and delete most of them.  This last time, she took a shot of me sitting at the computer doing something.  From the side.  It was a very unflattering shot and my first thought was, "I can't believe Chris stays with me if I look like that."

I'm a fatty.

Sometimes I forget that I'm a fatty and then I see a picture of myself how I really am and I'm reminded.  I'm not just a little fatty. I'm a really big fatty.

Ever since she took the picture, I've been thinking about it a lot.  About how fat I am.  And feeling very badly about it.  Here's the problem though:  Instead of feeling motivated to change, I feel motivated to eat an entire ring of Costco danishes.  Eating is what I do when I'm happy, when I'm sad, when I'm bored, when I'm celebrating, when I'm lonely, when I'm normal.  It's what I do.  Food is good.  It tastes good and makes me feel good.

I'm not talking about the kind of food in pictures you post on Facebook of your quinoa and health shakes.  No.  I'm talking about the pictures of the loaded baked potato casserole and stuffed crust pizza.  I see the posts of the healthy food.  I read you say how its soooo yummy and you feel soooo good after eating it.  I don't believe you.  Have you ever eaten a burger from 5 Guys and fries?  That is what I consider soooo yummy.

And then there's exercise.  I HATE exercise.  I see you running and pxwhatevering and crossfitting and I feel tired.  I don't want to do it.  It's boring and makes me hurt and makes me tired and I don't even really believe it will work for me.

I don't know what to do.  Because I hate myself looking like this.  And I'm starting to worry about getting older and carrying this weight around.  I worry I will have a heart attack or stroke.  I worry I will get diabetes.

I don't know how to change.  There are so many roadblocks in my mind to doing it.  It's expensive to exercise and eat right.  I can't just throw items in a crockpot or casserole pan and be done.  With my busy life, I can't spend a great amount of time each night cooking.  I can't join a gym.  I can't buy workout clothes.  It will hurt.  It will make me tired.  It's boring.  I don't have time.

So I'm telling you skinny people, keep doing what you are doing.  Keep running.  Keep pxing.  Keep eating your almonds and kale.  Because you don't want to be me.  Almost 40 and fat.