Friday, March 18, 2011

Oh, hey, you know...I had a piece of whitefish over at Barney Greengrass the other day...

On Saturday, Chris and I were arguing about discussing our Pack and Play. It is a brand new purchase and I really love it. It came with a little changing station and a bassinet and a hood. It has giraffe fabric on it and little giraffes that hang down. I really love giraffes. We needed it because Genny shares a room with Lizzie and sleeps in a Pack and Play in her room and then also in one in our room for naps. The one in her room was a freebie and I really wanted another one so that I didn't have to constantly take it down and put it back up during the day. (Why hasn't someone invented one that can go through doorways?) So we got this little giraffe one for our room. Chris sees all the extras, the bassinet, changing station, annoyances that we don't really need for this baby. His thought is, basically she's just sleeping in there so lets get rid of the stuff. And by rid he means toss in the trash. Let me repeat that. He wants to toss the brand new accessories to a brand new Pack and Play in the TRASH. I'm a little upset. You don't just toss stuff like that in the trash. I don't care how much you don't want to store it. You find a corner and store it. It's brand flipping new! But things are about to get a whole lot worse because then he says to me:

"Who even knows if we will have another baby and will ever need it again."

My heart stopped and my tear ducts opened and sobs escaped my lips.

What if I don't have another baby?

There is a certain feeling that can only be caused by one thing. It happens when the nurse puts a bloody, squirmy, red, squealing baby on your chest. You've just spent hours bringing this creature into the world and now it's here and you reach for it with your arms that are so tired and you feel it's little soft head and you look into it's eyes and it is yours. That moment, that feeling cannot be recreated, replicated or manufactured. It is is what I imagine heaven will feel like all the time.

So what if I never get to feel this feeling again in this lifetime? What if there are no more babies for me? I think there are. I want there to be. I want a Mitchell and a Maggie and a Grayson. Or maybe a Jeremy and a Suzie and a Sarah. I don't want to be done with my babies yet. I have a feeling that this might be something I am going to struggle with for the next several years.

I had a discussion with a seasoned mom about knowing when your family is complete. I don't "know" yet. I'm not ready for it to be complete.

Chris statement really brought it to the forefront of my mind and I can't stop thinking about it. I wish I could put it away for a while. Maybe in a bag in the corner of the attic and keep it there with the parts to the Pack and Play. Yes, he finally agreed that they could stay.

1 comment:

GramMO said...

Oh Jen, I don't think some of us are ever done having children until someone else makes that choice for us. I bawled for a very long bunch of days. Then Patrick says one day he wishes we had had more children...It was a knife to my heart...The wonderful thing I found is the wonderful children that have come to me through my birthed children. I now have three daughters, a grand daughter and two grand sons I may have not ever had on my own. Remember all we are promised will be given whether in this life or the next. No's bad for your brain. Heavenly Father knows your heart.Love you, GMOm

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