On Saturday, Chris and I were
Ok...so I'm a little upset. You don't just toss stuff like that in the trash. I don't care how much you don't want to store it. You find a corner and store it. It's brand flipping new! But things are about to get a whole lot worse because then he says to me:
"Who even knows if we will have another baby and will ever need it again."
My heart stopped and my tear ducts opened and sobs escaped my lips.
What if I don't have another baby?
There is a certain feeling that can only be caused by one thing. It happens when the nurse puts a bloody, squirmy, red, squealing baby on your chest. You've just spent hours bringing this creature into the world and now it's here and you reach for it with your arms that are so tired and you feel it's little soft head and you look into it's eyes and it is yours. That moment, that feeling cannot be recreated, replicated or manufactured. It is eternal...it is what I imagine heaven will feel like all the time.
So what if I never get to feel this feeling again in this lifetime? What if there are no more babies for me? I think there are. I want there to be. I want a Mitchell and a Maggie and a Grayson. Or maybe a Jeremy and a Suzie and a Sarah. I don't want to be done with my babies yet. I have a feeling that this might be something I am going to struggle with for the next several years.
I had a discussion with a seasoned mom about knowing when your family is complete. I don't "know" yet. I'm not ready for it to be complete.
Chris statement really brought it to the forefront of my mind and I can't stop thinking about it. I wish I could put it away for a while. Maybe in a bag in the corner of the attic and keep it there with the parts to the Pack and Play. Yes, he finally agreed that they could stay.