I'm having a baby in a few weeks. My due date is May 5. I've got 18 days until my due date to be exact. But my babies are usually late so I probably have more like 25 days. I'll be glad when this pregnancy is over. It's been a toughie. Emotionally lately I've been feeling like a wreck. My eyes are leaking all the time.
It's the same old thing. I miss my mom.
I miss her so much when I have a baby. A few months ago I took a meal to a friend who just had a baby. Her mom greeted me at the door. She whisked the meal to the table, got it all set out and had my dishes washed and returned to me before I was done snuggling my friend's new babe. I want that too. I want my mom to come here and stay a week or two and watch my kids so I can get extra sleep and drive the carpool so I don't have to worry about it and catch up the laundry and dishes and reorganize my cupboards and refold all my sheets. I want her to hold my babe and smile at me and tell me how he looks just like I did when I was a baby.
It's just not fair.
I feel like a selfish 13 year old girl when I say those words. It's just not fair.
NieNie never says it's not fair. People dying of cancer never say it's just not fair. People with infertility issues never say it's not fair. I have so much in life to be thankful for. And I am thankful for my blessings.
Why can't I just get over this?
I have a lot of faith. I really do. I believe with my whole heart that someday I am going to walk with God and He is going to show me the super important reason why I had to spend most of my mortality without a mother. And He is going to hug me and it's all going to be ok.
But it's not ok now. And now is what really matters to me now.
3 comments:
sending hugs your way Jennifer!
I'm with you. It's not fair. :( I think you should be easier on yourself and just let yourself grieve and have a pity party once in awhile. I say "it's not fair" a lot and I don't even have something like this to deal with. I think a lot more people say feel it than you might think.
You're right; it isn't fair. And, I don't think you should worry about "getting over it" because you can't really just get over losing your mom. It will always be with you. Our experiences shape and mold us, and you are becoming what Heavenly Father intends you to be.
I wish you still had your mom here too. I love this cute picture of the two of you.
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