Our RS lesson yesterday was based on Elder Uchtdorf's talk in General Conference about the power of hope. Our teacher defined the word hope as "a desire with expectation of obtainment." I sat listening to her and pondering in my mind the definition. I looked around the room at all the sisters sitting and listening and I wondered if any of them feel like I do. I feel like I am losing hope. I wonder if the Lord is hearing my prayers. I wonder how long I can endure this trial that I am going through right now. I am a big baby whiner.
Do other people lose hope? Do they feel lonely like me? Do they hear people bearing their testimonies of how much God loves them and wonder, "Does He love me, too?"
Of course, He loves me. Of course, He hears my prayers. I know these things. I know them. Right now, though, it feels like He isn't answering. I need Him to say, "Here's your solution," or "Here's what you should do," or "Sit tight, you're almost through this." I don't feel like he is saying any of these things to me.
What do I need to do better? Where can I improve? Am I failing His expectations of me? Is that why He is not blessing me now?
I know all the right answers...count your blessings, serve, look outside yourself, serve, read, pray, ponder, serve. I am trying to do these things. I fall short of perfection. I get discouraged. I don't understand right now. I am trying to smile through it. I am trying to see silver linings and lights at tunnel ends. But, the brightness of my hope is dim. I just have a tiny little birthday candle light.
What is He trying to teach me? What am I being prepared for?
Today is my birthday. I am 36
5 hours ago