Our RS lesson yesterday was based on Elder Uchtdorf's talk in General Conference about the power of hope. Our teacher defined the word hope as "a desire with expectation of obtainment." I sat listening to her and pondering in my mind the definition. I looked around the room at all the sisters sitting and listening and I wondered if any of them feel like I do. I feel like I am losing hope. I wonder if the Lord is hearing my prayers. I wonder how long I can endure this trial that I am going through right now. I am a big baby whiner.
Do other people lose hope? Do they feel lonely like me? Do they hear people bearing their testimonies of how much God loves them and wonder, "Does He love me, too?"
Of course, He loves me. Of course, He hears my prayers. I know these things. I know them. Right now, though, it feels like He isn't answering. I need Him to say, "Here's your solution," or "Here's what you should do," or "Sit tight, you're almost through this." I don't feel like he is saying any of these things to me.
What do I need to do better? Where can I improve? Am I failing His expectations of me? Is that why He is not blessing me now?
I know all the right answers...count your blessings, serve, look outside yourself, serve, read, pray, ponder, serve. I am trying to do these things. I fall short of perfection. I get discouraged. I don't understand right now. I am trying to smile through it. I am trying to see silver linings and lights at tunnel ends. But, the brightness of my hope is dim. I just have a tiny little birthday candle light.
What is He trying to teach me? What am I being prepared for?
4 comments:
Of course you don't have to give specifics, but what's going on? I have been in your shoes within the last year and it's not a fun place to be. It's very lonesome. I'm sorry you are going through this.
Jennifer - you sound so sad! I am sorry you're having a hard time right now!
I think you are looking in the right direction by asking "what am I supposed to be learning here?" Sometimes we need to ask for what the Lord is ready to bless us with -- and figuring that out is what takes work and quiet pondering. I would also wonder if you could have a blessing? Or another if you've already had one? Maybe including your home teacher or bishop might be a wise idea.
As a fellow mommy, I'd also like to gently remind you that your baby is getting to be about a month old and the hormones can wreak havoc at this point in time, as well as again at 3 months postpartum. That may exaggerate the stress you are feeling in other areas of your life and make you feel less objective than you might normally be.
You are loved and appreciated by many. Even if you feel distanced from Heavenly Father, in the meantime, know that I love you, as well as many others. Hugs across the miles!
Jennifer, I have no idea what trial you are going through right now, but I can tell you that a lot of what you said sounded just like me a couple months ago. I am doing better now, and I'll tell you what I attribute it to, although it might not be helpful depending on your situation.
First, I had to realize that endure to the end doesn't mean suffer now, and you will be rewarded later. We are seriously supposed to have joy in this life, even in trials.
Second, I had to realize that I wasn't full of the faith I thought I had, and that meant I needed to go back to the beginnings of my testimony and almost relive them.
Third, I finally recognized that having faith means letting go and trusting. Even if everything is going wrong around me, I have tried to say... oh well, I am doing the best I can, so whatever happens, the Lord knows what's best for me.
Finally, good grief, you just had a baby and hormones CAN have a huge impact. Have a good cry once a day, and know you are not crazy. This too, shall pass.
I hope that helped.
Oh... and I highly recommend a book that just came out called "Toss the Guilt and Catch the Joy." It has brought sunshine to my daily life.
I think Sister Layton's lesson came at a hard time for A LOT of people in the Ward. I know that I'm not the only one affected by lay-offs. The Bishop said that at least 2 other families were dealing with it. Be glad Chris still has his job, although I know that things are precarious. It's not fun around here, and you add to that the hormones you're dealing with and I'm sure it seems hopeless. It's not. You'll pull through this. Even in spite of all the uncertaintly for M and I right now, I know something will eventually work out. Hang in there! You're not alone!!
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